Sean Spicer Actually 3 Dogs Upright in a Trench Coat

This article was a part of my The Onion submission packet. But now that Sean Spicer was let go, it’s no longer relevant. I still think it’s funny, tough, so I thought I’d share.

SEAN SPICER ACTUALLY 3 DOGS UPRIGHT IN A TRENCH COAT
By: Jason Thomas Mayfield

WASHINGTON- The entire White House Press Corps was treated to an adorable and eye-opening surprise earlier today. When Press Secretary Sean Spicer was entering the press briefing room, his coat snagged on the door, and then tore completely off revealing that he is actually 3 dogs standing on top of each other in a trench coat and mask.

“I mean it makes sense,” said Rashida Jowalli reporter for the Boston Daily. “The stutter-stop way he moved. I mean now that I think about it Mr. Spicer never really did seam to be on balance. So the fact that he’s actually 3 dogs on their hind legs all trying to balance on each other- I mean again, it makes sense.”

Freelance photographer Andrew Maze, also witness to the less than surprising reveal, added, “And the way he answered questions, you know. To me it always sounded like, less ‘human,’ and more like someone trying to ‘sound human,’ you know?” Maze went on to add that Mr. Spiced did however seem to have a solid grasp of one-word commands like “wait” and “fetch.”

When asked if she thinks this is going to change anything, Jowalli responded with a definitive, no. “We at the White House Press Corps take our job seriously. We’re here to ask the tough questions and not back down until we get the real answers. No matter who the press secretary is, or how many legs they have.” Jowalli did go on to admit that it will be a lot harder to stay mad Spicer however, “I mean look at those scruffy adorable faces. Don’t you just want to kiss them and eat them all up?” adding finally “Who’s a good Press Secretary? Who’s a good Press Secretary?”

Banner Photo (c) CNN.com LINK

 

Dear Republicans, Your Boyfriend’s a Jerk, and You Should Break Up with Him

Dear Republicans,

I really hate to tell you this but your boyfriend, Donald Trump, is a jerk, and you need to break up with him. I know he seemingly showed up out of nowhere riding a white escalator, telling you everything you want to hear, promising to take you away from all your troubles. I know he’s rich and has a sweet ride. But here’s the truth. He’s not a very good boyfriend.

He’s manipulative. He’s dishonest. He’s selfish. Maybe he’s not physically abusive, (I mean not with those tiny hands of his), but he says really mean things, to you and to everyone else.

And I know what you’re going to say. “But he always apologizes when he goes to far.”

Does he? Or does what he say sound a little less like ‘I’m sorry’ and a little more like ‘I’m sorry you feel that way’

But, you don’t know him like I do. You don’t know him in private. In private he’s a big sweetheart.

That’s the problem. How are we supposed to believe there’s any sweetness to him at all when in public he’s hurling insults left and right, ready to pick a fight at the tiniest hint of a slight like some drunken frat boy at a rival kegger. It’s gotten so bad that at this point his boorish behavior has now become the norm, and you’re left pointing to anything that remotely resembles what should actually be standard boyfriend behavior, and you’re touting it as heroic chivalry. “Look! He’s using a teleprompter this time! He really does love me!”

Yes I know you just got engaged. And I know you’re probably still a little giddy from the giant 4-day long RNC party you both threw back at the end of July. But shouldn’t it tell you something that your own dad, Mitt Romney, refused to even show up to your engagement. And neither did John McCain, your great-great-grandfather. I mean he disapproves so much, the only thing probably still keeping that rusty heart ticking is making sure you don’t go through with the wedding.

I know you think your parents “don’t understand you,” that they’re always giving their “expert advice” telling you things you can and can’t do. You may not see it now, but they really do just want what’s best for you. And this abusive and manipulative relationship is not what’s best for you.

Have you noticed how your boyfriend is slowly trying to isolate you and get you to turn on everyone you’ve ever know and loved for any significant amount of time? That’s textbook abusive behavior. Your little brother, Paul Ryan, is only just pretending to tolerate him so your family doesn’t lose you altogether.

Look we’ve all been there. I know I have. We’ve all fallen in love with the idea of someone more than the actual person. We’ve gone to bed with someone only to find out the next morning that the soul-patch-wearing-rebel-crusader we drunkenly let have their way with us, is actually a soul-devouring-vampiric-demagogue that will do and say anything to ensure their own glory. I know it’s embarrassing to have been so wrong. But get over it. You deserve better, and you know it.

Now I know you and I don’t agree on much anymore, ever since we had our falling out several years ago. But I still care about you. And at the very least I respect you as a political party, which is honestly more than I can say about your current boyfriend. Which is why I’m coming to you as genuinely as possible. Donald Trump is a terrible boyfriend. And I think it’s time you break up with him.

Sincerely,
Jason Thomas Mayfield